Podcast: Tankespjärn 5

“We ventured into territory neither of us had on our radar, which is part of the magic and beauty of these meandering conversations…” —Helena

After four conversations delving into all manner of culture, decline, and rejuvenation—with lengthy pitstops in health, identity, homesteading, the creative arts, and why the skepticism of the hippie fringe might be our closest point of rewind and restart—me and Helena Roth finally delved into drugs and nakedness.

One of the steepest learning curves of my life began on January 4, 2021. The morning of January 5 dawned with what felt like a drastically edited horizon. Some changes were surprisingly easy to manage and tolerate. Others I still mourn, like the forced sobriety that’s got nothing to do with a slippery slope of addiction unless we’re talking about the summertime joy of an ice-cold gin and tonic.

“I don't want to be stone cold sober for the rest of my life. Like Huey Lewis and the News, I want a new drug. What's going to be my altered state? How am I going to manage it so that I feel okay? How do I lose just enough control, just a little, so that I can play in that space of being more free than I feel in my brain?” —Kate

Helena and I realized we share parallel fears and strengths, but at opposite poles. She leaps up and dances, to hell with anyone else, without any liquid courage. I do not. She is aghast at the prospect of improv theatre, which I’d do without a blink.

“I take a firm grip of the top of my head with both hands, holding tight, very tight,” wrote Helena of resistance. “Like a band of metal keeping me/my brain tightly in check, under control, not able to venture out into the unknown…”

Yeah. That’s dancing, for me, bereft of gin and tonic.

“My watcher has different quirks and pet-peeves compared to Kate’s, as we discovered throughout this conversation,” she adds. “But we share the experience: the feeling of not having the bandwidth, for one reason or another, of being generous in our self-consciousness.”

That’s where we ultimately wound up, for this final conversation—marvelling at the generosity of deciding to carry on despite self-consciousness. And what a gift it is to ourselves to let go of the self-focused loop of personal reflection. To give spirit to whatever room you’re in no matter what the conditions or restrictions. To trust that soon enough, those restrictions will be what frees you.

Watch our most recent chat below, or listen at the Tankespjärn website or wherever you listen to podcasts.